Even though nobody is going to admit it, we've all been there. Perhaps you lot're alone, in class, or on national television; maybe you lot idea there'd be enough fourth dimension to run to the crapper; or perhaps you deemed that fart "condom." Unfortunately for you, your underpants (if y'all're wearing them), and those around you (if there are people effectually), you just shat yourself.

You may not need this guide right at present, but you lot volition later. Then accept note. Perhaps fifty-fifty bookmark it. Merely mind and learn, people.

Footstep i: Diagnose the Potential Shit

Man itching his butt through his jeans
Uhoh, that's non a lumpy wallet… This is beyond important. Sometimes, a fart turns into a shit. Sometimes something that FEELS like a slimy turd is just a horrifically vile cloud of gas that SEEMS to be either solid or liquid. You lot need to be sure, considering hopefully, this is a no-shit situation.

  • Some people claim to rub their buttcheeks together to check, simply as I said before, sometimes a fart feels like a turd, and the other manner around.
  • Whatever yous do, don't stick your paw down the back of your trousers, feel effectually, and then pull information technology out and sniff your fingers. If you exercise that and other people are around, it will only solidify their theory that yous only crapped your pants. And if you didn't fill up your shorts, your friends will think you're even weirder than they unremarkably practise.
  • Don't just become anywhere private, go to a bathroom. You might need easy access to water, paper, and a bleed of some sort.
  • Now that you're alone, or at least out of public view, look at your pants, undies, and legs. If y'all come across brown, greenish, or blackish streaks, you probably pooped your pants. (NOTE: Unless you lot are a person of colour, this may not utilize to you, and so look extra carefully. Contrary to pop belief, it's not only white folks who go Montezuma's Revenge.)
  • If you've just farted but information technology felt like a poo, go alee and try to strength out a dump. You tin never exist sure. My poop rule is the same as my sexual practice rule: "Better to be safe and boring than deplorable and covered in shit."

Step 2: Shit Bear witness Shame

Poop birthday cake brown icing
Y'all can have your shame, just don't eat it as well. Understandably, y'all feel embarrassed. Only babies, quondam people, Michael Moore, Cyberspace trolls, and Jersey Shore cast members doodoo in their drawers. And now you're included in that listing.

  • Curse yourself. Why the hell didn't you just become to the restroom when yous felt your tum go runny? Why did you have to consume all the goll dang fruit?
  • This is also a proficient time to blame other people. Yous're as socially liberal equally the next guy, but FUCK those fucking immigrants in the fucking kitchen where you simply fucking ate. You know they have large junker shits, merely never fucking launder their filthy fucking hands. Hands that affect your food! That's and then gross. It's definitely their fault.
  • Don't stop the blame game at that place. It's too your friend'southward error for putting the Ex-Lax so close to your candy. As you lot know, people with bowel troubles often become confused as to what's a laxative and what'due south a succulent sweet. Granted, near of these self-shitting citizens are over the age of 75, simply now that you share a common bond of pooping your person, you lot likely share early onset Alzheimer'due south.
  • Arraign Cortez, the Spaniard who effed up Mexico a few hundred years ago. The earth may never know how much diarrhea comes from Mexico, Mexican nutrient, Mexican water, or Mexican cooks, but you lot tin can gauge that'south a result of Montezuma's Revenge, the same diarrhea curse you get from eating too much Taco Bong.

Stride 3: Clean Upwardly Your Mess

Now that you're finished shaming yourself, take off your soiled underroos. Actually, if you still want to shame yourself, become ahead. I hateful, who the fuck craps their pants? Gross!

  • By and large, I've, um, heard that most people who, um, shit themselves wipe a bunch of times. However, lately, I've just been jumping straight into the shower. (Oh shit! Did I really just type an admission of guilt? It's okay, nearly respectable fans quit reading a while ago.)
  • You lot desire to make sure to remove all feces from your torso. Non only does poop odour bad and contain unhealthy stuff similar bacteria, viruses, and corn, but allegedly it makes your penis smaller. Or maybe that'due south something I've noticed the by few times. Anywho, a good scrub downward WITH SOAP is in order.

Step iv(a): Determination Fourth dimension

Some people null past this phase, others take their time. I prefer to use a instance-past-case ground. Yous've got big questions to inquire yourself, starting with, "Should I throw out these underwear or not?"

  • Start, how bad is the massacre in your unmentionables? Information technology may surprise you, simply if you crap out a hard log of a dump, that might make the cleanup and decision to keep your undies an easy one. Logs are unremarkably pretty damn solid. On the other hand, a soupy poopy totally fucks shit upward. From your undies, to your pants, even to your legs.
  • Adjacent, it'due south time to exercise some enquire yourself some serious, soul searching questions. Are they whitey tighties? Did your mom purchase them? Did your girlfriend buy them? Are they your last pair? Practice these Hanes accept sentimental value?
  • If you lot're withal confused and heartwrenched, check my answers to the above questions: toss 'em (really difficult to get brown out of white, fifty-fifty with extra-strength bleach); toss 'em (sorry, Mom); toss 'em if she's an ex-girlfriend or she sucks, keep 'em if she's really hot or psychotic plenty to monitor your underwear usage; keep 'em; and keep 'em (sentimental value of underpants keeps the world going 'round).
  • Annotation! If the underwear was shitty before you shit them, become ahead and toss 'em. That'due south my rule of pollex.

Pace 4(b): Decision Time for Females

Girl picks her butt when she has a wedgie in her panties
JUST A WEDGIE, Nada TO Encounter HERE. Female readers may be wondering, "Hmm, the glorious KC Freeman didn't say anything about if I, a woman, chocolate-brown myself." That's true, only as everybody knows, girls don't poop, so at that place's no logical reason to believe they could actually poop themselves. I promise I cleared that up.

Step five: Follow-Upward Questions

At present you need to find out WHY you shit your pants, and HOW you lot tin can avoid this tragedy yet again. Because if we don't learn from our messy, poop-related mistakes, nosotros're bound to make them again. And let me tell you, that'due south a lesson best learned once—i which saves y'all from buying underwear all the time.

  • You really want to avert crapping yourself (over again). And so allow's expect at what causes diarrhea. Nosotros've already talked well-nigh Mexican food, but did y'all know that almost any food from any minority can cause the Hershey squirts? The poopoo doodoos can come from Indian, Chinese, Thai, Latin, White Castle, Greek, Jamaican, probably African food, and sushi (wherever that comes from).
  • You may already know this, but food from muddy people can also give you the screaming eagles. It'due south true. Some people wipe their butt-butts with their easily, and only wash their easily if they think they're going to touch on something they eat. So if a dirty person has touched your food, you're going to get diarrhea also as the AIDS, obviously! It'due south okay. Just exercise what I do whenever a dirty person is virtually me, food-related or otherwise: pop three Immodium A-D (for the poops) and become to Planned Parenthood for a morning-later on pill (for the AIDS). You lot'll be but fine.

Step half dozen: Excuses, Excuses

Y'all've finally de-shitted yourself. Now you need to come with a slap-up reason why yous promptly left your girlfriend'south mother'due south funeral, your class, your part chore, or your dentist engagement.

  • Honestly is Not the best policy. Under pain of death, never reveal your horrible truth to another human. Yous tin can tell your dog or fish; they tin can proceed secrets. Do non tell your cat, though. Cats are known to tell the showtime person they run across that you cannot command your sphincter.
  • The bigger the lie, the easier the sell. Tell the people around you that your brother or uncle called. They're in fucking infinite. At the Mir space station. On a superlative secret superspy mission. And they needed your assist. That will cover all your bases and brand you seem extra-super-cool instead of extra-super-lame if they ever found out that you poop on yourself, not in a toilet.
  • Another pants-shitting excuse I've been waiting to use goes like this: "I saw that there'south a hot person at this political party/office/school/restaurant. Whenever I know a hot person is nearly me, I masturbate furiously. That fashion, no matter how pretty their optics are, since I've just ejaculated, I won't get some other erection for at least two more weeks." If you apply that i before me, tell me how it goes.

Step 7: Re-ASSimilation into Society

You lot're probably even so weirded out that you crapped while continuing. It's okay, it happens to the best of us. Fifty-fifty Obama, Babe Ruth, Ted Koppel, Kanye, Kenny Rogers, Barbara Streisand and "The Macho Human being" Randy Savage all pooped their pants at once or some other. Y'all're going to be alright.

  • Never tell anyone. Watch some CSI: Miami. This should requite you lot ideas on how to clean your apartment so that no matter what, the evidence that your butthole disagrees with you will never be seen, even past those cool blacklights.
  • Swallow lots of cheese. I heard on the news that cheese makes your poops more solid. Solid poop is easier to control. Especially if yous're trying to throw information technology at somebody (but that'southward another article).
  • Avoid the place where you contracted the shitscreams. It sounds easy enough, merely you'd be amazed how many times I end up back at IHOP. Silly me.
  • Forgiveness: only y'all tin forgive you. The next time you defecate in an actual toilet, Do Non FLUSH! Turn around, stand upwardly, and say a few words to your dung. I'm fond of something like, "You see, Poop, with the assistance of the Lord, cocky-mutilation, and anus-crunches (still, another article) I defeated yous. You, Poop, are my enemy. And I detest you lot. Now, you are where you belong—in my toilet, and not in my pants. Cheerio, and I'll exist sending more than of your friends and family to meet yous. In the toilet. Not in my pants. I'thousand over the stage in my life when I poop my pants. That last time, was the last time. For reals. So, fuck yous, Poop. Go ruin somebody else's 24-hour interval. Goodbye."

Step Ten (Optional): If It Won't Cease Happening

Sometimes, all the care in the world won't stop yous from crapping yourself. In that example, you tin buy those developed diapers. They work really well and are fashionable and comfortable to kicking. Plus, you can wash them later on you poop in them, kind of like underwear.

And so, good luck to you all. Make sure you e-mail this guide to everyone you think has shit themselves or will shit themselves in the future. Apply this commodity equally a finger to the nose and bear witness that person, "I'g so much better than you. I don't poop my pants like you lot do."

ENDNOTE i: Or you can practice what I did: impress this article and put information technology into the backpack of every dude with a hot girlfriend. So text, Facebook, or tell the girlfriend, "Your boyfriend was walking weird. Practise you think he'due south into guy-on-guy anal, or did he shit himself?" Then point to this very article and convince her to dump him for you lot.

ENDNOTE 2: If you do this endnote matter, make sure y'all use a scissors and cut off the endnote function. You lot don't want the girl to know that you lot've framed her boyfriend. Or for the fellow to detect your evil plot.

ENDNOTE 3: I've since reread this piece, and realized that it may come across like I've really crapped my pants past the age of 17 (like normal people), just that's merely not true. I've never pooped my butt. Ever.

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